MANAGING YOUR ANGER

-by Grace Estano

We often carry in our mind two images of women: the gentle mother and the nagging shrew. The gentle mother pours oil on troubled water and is always willing to give in for the sake of others. She constantly quiets others’ tempers so that no one gets hurt. The nagging shrew is always disagreeable and dissatisfied. Her anger ruins the peace and happiness in the home.

Because anger appears to be such an overwhelming and potentially destructive emotion, we are afraid of it. But when we deny or repress angry feelings we complicate the issues and add to our problems. Therefore we need to look carefully at our anger, recognizing what it is telling us and find healthy ways of dealing with it so that it doesn’t consume us.

The following will help you start to use your anger for positive change instead of for unfocused explosions. Be ready to go slowly and to give yourself time to take in all these new ideas and to learn how to keep fights from escalating out of control:

1. STOP STOKING THE ANGER COALS- Muttering to yourself, repeating angry thoughts inside your head are things that only serve to keep you angry. You can work yourself up or calm yourself down. To calm yourself, try replacing angry thoughts with more reasonable ones.

Examples: When you think, “he isn’t getting a second chance. He will pay for this!”

Replace it with, “This too shall pass. This too shall pass”

2. GET ENOUGH REST AND A PROPER DIET AND TRY TO PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST EXTRA STRESSORS- Many terrible fights happen when you are already overwhelmed with stressful situations that life throws at you. Do your best to protect yourself from more stress when you are already anger sensitive. Get extra rest and exercise and watch comedy movies.

3. IMAGINE HOW YOU WILL FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF AFTER YOUR OUTBURST – Recall threatening fights of the past; did they help your relationship? Will the fight be a fight for change or just a way to get more deeply entrenched on the battleground?

4. SHOW SELF- CONTROL EVEN WHEN IT IS THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO- Being mad is fine. But you know when you are about to cross the line into a threatening fight. Don’t do it.

As you learn more productive anger skills, you will take two steps forward, and occasionally you will take ten steps back and you blow up and you don’t want to make up, it’s worthwhile not to turn your anger into a threatening fight. Many unions have disintegrated because couples have given in to their anger instead of managing it.