WHY PEOPLE ARE SO ANGRY

There are a lot of reasons why people are angry or why they grow up to be rageaholics.

Here are some of them:

1. They were physically, verbally, or sexually abused as a child and they stored up the rage inside, letting it out as an adult when they finally feel ”safe”

2. They felt unloved or abandoned as a child, either through their parents’ separation, an absent parent, or the death of a parent, and act out that childhood rage as adults when they meet people who love them.

3. They felt powerless as a child they had alcoholic parents they couldn’t save; they watched helplessly as one parent abused the other; they never had permission to express their feelings and as adults, they compensate for that powerlessness by controlling others with their anger.

If a child experiences any of the situations mentioned, he will naturally feel enormous sadness and grief. If he is unable to fell rage at that time, it will surface years later as rage in adults. This is why, according to psychologists, trying to control one’s angry behavior is useless therapy; repressed grief from childhood gets acted out as rage in adults.

The anger is a symptom (though totally unacceptable) of the regeaholic’s deep hurt and sadness. Treating anger without understanding the cause is a temporary and dangerous solution. Traditional talk or psychotherapy will not be an adequate form of help for someone suffering from chronic anger. Hitting punching bags, screaming into pillows to strike out and inner-child work will be essential ingredients in helping a person transform his anger into grief and finally into healing.

IS YOUR PARTNER A RAGEAHOLIC?

Dealing with an angry partner is like dealing with a time bomb. You will never know when it’s going to explode. If your partner has a problem with anger, you adapt your behavior to the situation, editing yourself so as not to upset your partner.

Here are some warning signs that your partner may have a serious problem with anger:

· When you disagree with him, he responds with shouting, name calling threats, or other overactive behavior.

· Your partner has very little patience, and becomes extremely annoyed if he has to wait for services, drive behind a slow vehicle, get put on hold on the phone, listen to you explain things, etc.

· When you ask your partner to do simple tasks, he becomes defensive and rebellious.

· When you give your partner any feedback whatsoever about how his behavior affects you, he interprets it as an attack and viciously attacks back.

· Your partner gets very angry when little things don’t go id way, and takes it out on the people around him.

· Your partner acts out his anger by slamming doors, hanging up on you on the phone, storming out of rooms, leaving the house, sleeping on the couch at night, etc.

· Your partner can switch from a seemingly loving and warm mood to an angry mood within seconds.

· Your partner is quick to yell at you or put you down if you are not doing what he wants you to do, or if he feels you made a mistake

· Your partner often raises his voice or become angry in public places—restaurants, shopping malls, friends’ homes, etc.

· Your partner expresses his anger physically, hitting or throwing objects.

No one turns into a rageaholic overnight. You’ll see signs of difficulty similar to the list above in the beginning of your relationship. They are like sparks that tell you the fire is sure to follow. Don’t ignore the warning signs that indicate your partner has an anger problem.

Trust your gut instinct, and don’t let yourself be intimidated or talked out of your feelings. If a few of these signs fit your partner, you need to take action immediately to confront the problem and insist your partner get help. If most of these statements fit your partner, get out of this relationship now.

MANAGING YOUR ANGER

-by Grace Estano

We often carry in our mind two images of women: the gentle mother and the nagging shrew. The gentle mother pours oil on troubled water and is always willing to give in for the sake of others. She constantly quiets others’ tempers so that no one gets hurt. The nagging shrew is always disagreeable and dissatisfied. Her anger ruins the peace and happiness in the home.

Because anger appears to be such an overwhelming and potentially destructive emotion, we are afraid of it. But when we deny or repress angry feelings we complicate the issues and add to our problems. Therefore we need to look carefully at our anger, recognizing what it is telling us and find healthy ways of dealing with it so that it doesn’t consume us.

The following will help you start to use your anger for positive change instead of for unfocused explosions. Be ready to go slowly and to give yourself time to take in all these new ideas and to learn how to keep fights from escalating out of control:

1. STOP STOKING THE ANGER COALS- Muttering to yourself, repeating angry thoughts inside your head are things that only serve to keep you angry. You can work yourself up or calm yourself down. To calm yourself, try replacing angry thoughts with more reasonable ones.

Examples: When you think, “he isn’t getting a second chance. He will pay for this!”

Replace it with, “This too shall pass. This too shall pass”

2. GET ENOUGH REST AND A PROPER DIET AND TRY TO PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST EXTRA STRESSORS- Many terrible fights happen when you are already overwhelmed with stressful situations that life throws at you. Do your best to protect yourself from more stress when you are already anger sensitive. Get extra rest and exercise and watch comedy movies.

3. IMAGINE HOW YOU WILL FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF AFTER YOUR OUTBURST – Recall threatening fights of the past; did they help your relationship? Will the fight be a fight for change or just a way to get more deeply entrenched on the battleground?

4. SHOW SELF- CONTROL EVEN WHEN IT IS THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO- Being mad is fine. But you know when you are about to cross the line into a threatening fight. Don’t do it.

As you learn more productive anger skills, you will take two steps forward, and occasionally you will take ten steps back and you blow up and you don’t want to make up, it’s worthwhile not to turn your anger into a threatening fight. Many unions have disintegrated because couples have given in to their anger instead of managing it.