MANAGING YOUR ANGER

-by Grace Estano

We often carry in our mind two images of women: the gentle mother and the nagging shrew. The gentle mother pours oil on troubled water and is always willing to give in for the sake of others. She constantly quiets others’ tempers so that no one gets hurt. The nagging shrew is always disagreeable and dissatisfied. Her anger ruins the peace and happiness in the home.

Because anger appears to be such an overwhelming and potentially destructive emotion, we are afraid of it. But when we deny or repress angry feelings we complicate the issues and add to our problems. Therefore we need to look carefully at our anger, recognizing what it is telling us and find healthy ways of dealing with it so that it doesn’t consume us.

The following will help you start to use your anger for positive change instead of for unfocused explosions. Be ready to go slowly and to give yourself time to take in all these new ideas and to learn how to keep fights from escalating out of control:

1. STOP STOKING THE ANGER COALS- Muttering to yourself, repeating angry thoughts inside your head are things that only serve to keep you angry. You can work yourself up or calm yourself down. To calm yourself, try replacing angry thoughts with more reasonable ones.

Examples: When you think, “he isn’t getting a second chance. He will pay for this!”

Replace it with, “This too shall pass. This too shall pass”

2. GET ENOUGH REST AND A PROPER DIET AND TRY TO PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST EXTRA STRESSORS- Many terrible fights happen when you are already overwhelmed with stressful situations that life throws at you. Do your best to protect yourself from more stress when you are already anger sensitive. Get extra rest and exercise and watch comedy movies.

3. IMAGINE HOW YOU WILL FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF AFTER YOUR OUTBURST – Recall threatening fights of the past; did they help your relationship? Will the fight be a fight for change or just a way to get more deeply entrenched on the battleground?

4. SHOW SELF- CONTROL EVEN WHEN IT IS THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO- Being mad is fine. But you know when you are about to cross the line into a threatening fight. Don’t do it.

As you learn more productive anger skills, you will take two steps forward, and occasionally you will take ten steps back and you blow up and you don’t want to make up, it’s worthwhile not to turn your anger into a threatening fight. Many unions have disintegrated because couples have given in to their anger instead of managing it.

DEALING WITH REJECTION: THE NINE PHASES

If you are the one who is being dumped, be prepared for the “stages” of rejection. While the pain may be awful, each stage is part of the healing process. The stages generally follow the sequence described in the following list, but the steps can alternate with each other. Dealing with rejection is a lot like dealing with other kinds of loss—and the stages are similar:

THE DENIAL PHASE: “This can’t be happening.” During this stage you may find yourself waiting for the phone to ring, not believing that the relationship is actually over.

SOLUTION: Acknowledge reality and acknowledge your feelings about it. Accept but do not dwell on shame and embarrassment, and all the “shoulda/ woulda/coulda’s” (I should have known better.”” I could have been sexier”)

THE BARGAINING PHASE: Driving yourself crazy, thinking that “If I get my hair cut.” Or “If I just let him have sex this time,” or “If I don’t call him for a week,” he will change his mind.

SOLUTION: There’s only one solution: Accept that it’s over.

THE LONILINESS PHASE: Feeling as if no one understands or cares.

SOLUTION: Surround yourself with people who do care, and who openly say so. Remind yourself often that you are loved.

THE HEARTBREAK PHASE: Feeling like your heart is really breaking. You may even feel pain in your chest, or want to throw up when you think of that person or when you see your ex with someone else.

SOLUTION: You can go on. Rub your hand over your heart to smoothe it. If you are feeling really bad, snap your fingers to interrupt the thought, and fixate on something that makes you happy. Do not drive yourself crazy with thoughts that your ex is blissfully happy while you’re miserable. Only your experience counts, and only your efforts make you happy.

THE BLAME PHASE: Pointing the finger at yourself or your ex for what each of you did wrong.

SOLUTION: Decide that neither of you is at fault but that both of you are responsible for the break-up.

THE DEPRESSION PHASE: Feeling sad, worthless and foolish. You may have trouble eating and sleeping, and you may imagine that you’ll never find anyone to love again.

SOLUTION: Allow yourself to feel your pain, but do not wallow in self- pity. Keep busy with exercise or projects.

THE ANGER PHASE: Feeling furious for being rejected.

SOLUTION: Allow yourself to experience the anger, but don’t exaggerate it, or tack it onto all your past hurts. Don’t let yourself become bitter.

THE ACCEPTANCE PHASE: finally believing it’s over. You no longer expect your ex to call, and you begin to feel at peace.

THE HEALING PHASE: Getting your life back. You are now ready to go out with friends and to meet new people, and you are no longer dwelling on your ex.

HURT BUT NOT DAMAGED

STAYING WHOLE WHEN PEOPLE HARM YOU

- By Leila Kasten

Show me one person who claims to have never been hurt and I’ll tell you that person is a liar. Because human beings are emotional people, it is a natural thing to be hurt and to hurt. The difference lies in whether one does it consciously or unconsciously.

In all likelihood, we’ve probably been hurt and wounded by many people in our lives. We have been hurt by our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, and even our lovers.

The only saving grace is if we remain intact. Our pride and ego may be hurt. We may have suffered some slight or even horrible physical pain, or even psychological and emotional pain. But believe that your spirit is intact. You are still whole. That powerful soul is impenetrable by forces trying to destroy and dismember it.

The ultimate release can only be forgiveness. It is the ultimate healer. It is also, perhaps, the most difficult thing to do, given the conditions as they are. Who, after all, can forgive a person who kills another? Who for that matter can find it in their heart to forgive another who has senselessly destroyed or ended another person’s life? It will probably take a saint, or even a martyr, to open your heart wide and say, “Yes, I do forgive you. I understand why you did what you did. I would like to make my peace with you.”

A Mother Teresa would certainly find it in her heart to do just that. I remember a prominent man who forgave his son’s killer because Mother Teresa asked him to. Although emotionally wounded at the loss of his son, nevertheless, he found it in his heart to forgive and to let go. I look upon this gentle and grieving soul with so much compassion in my own heart. There truly is a domino effect when it comes to peace and forgiveness! Other hearts are touched in turn.

But this compassionate man is different from the rest of us. How shall we respond when asked by someone, a Mother Teresa or some other person we look up to, to forgive, to let go, and make peace with our trespassers?

Anger bitterness and disillusionment are terrible burdens to carry.

Lighten your load. Does carrying that entire burden bring value in your life? Surely not! So why go on and keep carrying other people’s burdens? They may have made it their problem and may even wish to hold on to it. Do what you feel is right in your heart.

Look upon these people who have caused you harm, but not lasting damage, and say “This far and no further.” You may be hurting, you may be grieving, but remember that you are not damaged. You are whole and life will go on for you.

Release these destructive people from your heart and your mind. You do not need to carry their burden as well.

Because you have chosen this approach, expect people to brand you in the following manner:

1. You’re quitting/ coping out.

2. You’re a loser

3. You’re a coward because you don’t want to face the pain

4. You’re an idiot

5. You’re selfish

What does one do were this to happen? Perhaps you’d like to say that your misery doesn’t want

company. You’d like to heal at your own pace and at your own time. Liberate yourself from other people’s oppressive expectations.

You cannot please everyone. Worry not! You are only called to start with yourself. Let yourself be the best example to the world. Show them the power of forgiveness. Your spirit wants to be free of this earthly burden imposed upon you that of carrying the pain, the anger, and the bitterness associated with painful events that happen in our lives.

Truly happy people are not afraid of the future. The choices they make in the present moment dictate the future.

Forgiveness is the precursor to all healing. Your cells will knows and will release all toxicity. You will become healthy again. You will heal and grow and thrive. You would have reclaimed your power to heal yourself. You had it all long.

It will be truly liberating!

HOW TO HANDLE CRITICISMS

- by Jolly Lim Garcia

Whether we like it or not, people often criticize us in the same way that we tend to criticize others.

What should we do when we are the receiving end of criticism? Amelia Jaffe, author of How To Keep Your Cool When You Are Criticized, gives some helpful hints to take the heat.

Here’s how:

1. Show the person doing the criticizing that you heard his criticism, by pausing, nodding or giving some sort of verbal acknowledgment.

2. Ask for more information about the criticizer’s comments to give you both times to cool down. Try to look for the criticizer’s positive intent.

3 . Reply with your perspective. Remain calm, and the other person, if agitated, will eventually calm down, too; it will be embarrassing to lose his cool while you remain relaxed.

4. Listen for commonalities between your perspective and your critic’s, and build from them.

5. Ask for comments on your viewpoint.

6. Try rephrasing your ideas.

7. Demonstrate your desire to find a compromise. Look for what the criticizer’s real objection is and how you can solve it; ask if he has a solution in mind.

8. Remember that you can’t always please everyone. Ask yourself whether there’s truth in youe critic’s complaints.

9. If you believe you’re being lied to, ask your critic some questions and attempt to discern what is true or false.

10. If you can’t keep your cool, ask for the meeting to be rescheduled so you can listen without losing your temper.

11. If you find yourself over reacting to criticisms, it’s usually because you’re afraid of losing something. What is it? Are your fears valid?

12. If you encounter conflict frequently, you may be very stressed. Consider counseling, or try settling down with some aromatherapy or other stress management devices.

THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE WE CRITICIZE OTHERS

But what if it’s our turn to criticize? Criticisms, no matter how constructive they may be, do indeed hurt feelings. Dale Carnegie, author of the best-selling book, HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE, wrote that we should first look for the laudable traits of the individual and praise him for these before making single criticism against him. This will “sweeten” the effect of the criticism.

These considerations are:

1. Do you have a reputation as a troublemaker or whiner? If so, you’ll have to repudiate your rep before people are inclined to take your comments seriously.

a. Make your comments constructive rather than simply complaints

b. Pick your battles: the fewer things you criticize the more seriously each comment will be taken.

2. Are your concerns shared by other? Try bouncing your concerns off others in your company before you unload on a manager.

3. Does the person you plan to talk to have more clout than you do? Criticize differently to a peer and a supervisor.

4. Do you have trouble staying cool? If you tend to “get emotional” when criticizing, do a few practice runs first. Anticipate what the person you’ll be talking to will say and plan how you’ll respond.

5. Do you sense that people don’t trust you? If people don’t trust you, they won’t seriously consider your comments. If that’s the case, you can try getting someone else to deliver your message (a coworker, someone from the Human Resource department). Or you can bring in a neutral third party to referee the conversation in which you plan to deliver your criticisms.

If you follow these steps, you will earn not only the respect but also the friendship of

those you come in contact with every day.