- by Jolly Lim Garcia
Whether we like it or not, people often criticize us in the same way that we tend to criticize others.
What should we do when we are the receiving end of criticism? Amelia Jaffe, author of How To Keep Your Cool When You Are Criticized, gives some helpful hints to take the heat.
Here’s how:
1. Show the person doing the criticizing that you heard his criticism, by pausing, nodding or giving some sort of verbal acknowledgment.
2. Ask for more information about the criticizer’s comments to give you both times to cool down. Try to look for the criticizer’s positive intent.
3 . Reply with your perspective. Remain calm, and the other person, if agitated, will eventually calm down, too; it will be embarrassing to lose his cool while you remain relaxed.
4. Listen for commonalities between your perspective and your critic’s, and build from them.
5. Ask for comments on your viewpoint.
6. Try rephrasing your ideas.
7. Demonstrate your desire to find a compromise. Look for what the criticizer’s real objection is and how you can solve it; ask if he has a solution in mind.
8. Remember that you can’t always please everyone. Ask yourself whether there’s truth in youe critic’s complaints.
9. If you believe you’re being lied to, ask your critic some questions and attempt to discern what is true or false.
10. If you can’t keep your cool, ask for the meeting to be rescheduled so you can listen without losing your temper.
11. If you find yourself over reacting to criticisms, it’s usually because you’re afraid of losing something. What is it? Are your fears valid?
12. If you encounter conflict frequently, you may be very stressed. Consider counseling, or try settling down with some aromatherapy or other stress management devices.
THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE WE CRITICIZE OTHERS
But what if it’s our turn to criticize? Criticisms, no matter how constructive they may be, do indeed hurt feelings. Dale Carnegie, author of the best-selling book, HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE, wrote that we should first look for the laudable traits of the individual and praise him for these before making single criticism against him. This will “sweeten” the effect of the criticism.
These considerations are:
1. Do you have a reputation as a troublemaker or whiner? If so, you’ll have to repudiate your rep before people are inclined to take your comments seriously.
a. Make your comments constructive rather than simply complaints
b. Pick your battles: the fewer things you criticize the more seriously each comment will be taken.
2. Are your concerns shared by other? Try bouncing your concerns off others in your company before you unload on a manager.
3. Does the person you plan to talk to have more clout than you do? Criticize differently to a peer and a supervisor.
4. Do you have trouble staying cool? If you tend to “get emotional” when criticizing, do a few practice runs first. Anticipate what the person you’ll be talking to will say and plan how you’ll respond.
5. Do you sense that people don’t trust you? If people don’t trust you, they won’t seriously consider your comments. If that’s the case, you can try getting someone else to deliver your message (a coworker, someone from the Human Resource department). Or you can bring in a neutral third party to referee the conversation in which you plan to deliver your criticisms.
If you follow these steps, you will earn not only the respect but also the friendship of
those you come in contact with every day.
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