Infants and toddlers are lucky they don't judge themselves by the standards of adults. Would adults keep trying to learn a new language if, after months of work, they couldn't say a single word? How many of us would simply smile and pick ourselves up after waddling headfirst into the leg of a chair?A child's first three years are laced with more failure than he would emotionally tolerate by the time he is five. That change is marked by the child's development of a self-concept—labels and feelings that quickly become as much a part of the child's identity as his name. It is an image of himself that the child will carry into adulthood.
One of the first tasks in forming that self-concept is differentiating between doing something badly and being someone bad. It is a learned skill that is hindered or helped by how parents talk to their children. Some studies indicate that it is more difficult for young girls to make this distinction than it is for young boys.
This sex difference appears to continue into adulthood. Interviewed about their activities and emotions, women report feeling more shame (a judgment of themselves) and men report feeling more guilt (a judgment of their behavior) when describing things they've done wrong.
There's some evidence that part of that difference between the sexes may be traced back to the way their parents talked to them before they were three years old. Developmental psychologists at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in New Jersey have noted that parents who are helping their toddlers tend to use different words when talking to boys than when talking to girls.
The comments to their sons were mostly about the task—statements like "good job" or "I like the way you put that piece into the puzzle." Daughters, however, were more often told things like, "You're such a good girl!"—evaluations of them as people rather than comments on what they did. Other studies have shown that teachers often unconsciously fall into the same pattern.
The problem, as far as self-esteem is concerned, is the usefulness of the information. If you tell me (a child) that I have done something well or poorly, I can use that information to adjust my behavior to improve. I can also use that information to reach the conclusion that I should feel proud of what I've done.
The next time I do that task, whether it is stacking blocks, reading aloud, or washing my hands before eating dinner, I can evaluate my own performance and, this time without relying on my parents' judgment, feel good about what I've done. If I show up next week for a meal and have dirt on my hands, not only do I know that this isn't acceptable behavior, but I also know how to correct the situation—and equally important, I know that I can correct it.
On the other hand, if all you tell me is that I'm a good boy or a bad boy, I don't know what to repeat or what to change. I am dependent upon you for evaluations of my work. It's much more difficult for me to reward myself for a job well done. I must look to outsiders for their opinions to know how I am doing. I may know that having dirty hands at the dinner table is wrong, but I don't have the information to know what's right or whether I can make it right.
This is not to say that parents should never tell their children that they are good boys or good girls. Quite the contrary. Every child needs to hear those sweet words. However, it helps to mix such praise with specific comments about the things children are doing well, so that they can practice the more sophisticated task of judging themselves. Keep in mind that it's almost always more useful for children to hear what they're doing right than what they're doing wrong.
Another difficulty faced by some children has less to do with the specific labels they apply to themselves than to the number of those labels. An active preschooler who is repeatedly told he's a troublemaker may get caught in the cycle of making trouble for the teacher to get the attention he needs. It is the only approach he knows will work. His self-image becomes crystallized around this one aspect of his behavior.
Studies of children this age conducted at Yale University show that those who have too limited a range of beliefs about themselves do not adapt well to elementary school and other new situations. They have significantly more difficulty learning to read and write than their classmates do.
Children who have more multifaceted self-images, which may include believing that they are artistic, inquisitive, funny, and thoughtful as well as troublemakers, are much more adaptive to change. If something they try doesn't work in the new situation, they have other approaches that they feel comfortable using.
Although a four-year-old who keeps telling you that he's a bad boy is sending clear signals about trouble with his self-concept, many children give off much more subtle messages. Sometimes the children who are no problem to their parents should be looked at more closely. This is especially true if those children are extremely obedient and have few friends their own age. A good self-concept allows children to explore the world, risk engaging in conflict and failing. Children who play it safe by never disobeying or risking conflict may be telling you that they feel unqualified to face the world head-on.
Relationship to building strong families
Strong families are made up of strong family members. This module is designed to help participants tap into what they already know from their own experience, to help them recognize key concepts, to put these concepts into a framework, and to put words to their efforts to enhance their child’s self-esteem and self-awareness.
By applying the principles in this module, participants will give their children “protective factors.” Protective factors are qualities that safeguard children against becoming involved in activities that can hurt them. Children who have protective factors, sometimes referred to as “resilient children,” tend not to experience underage drinking, teenage pregnancies, drug abuse, and school failure.
A sense of self-worth is critical for developing resiliency, adaptability and an “I can do it!” attitude that helps us learn, grow, and cope with life’s frustrations and inevitable problems. Strong parenting provides “roots” and “wings.” Children need to feel safe, secure, loved, and part of a family. This foundation provides roots from which the child can develop wings to explore the world. The child’s first adventures experiencing the world are safe, small steps. As children get older, their attempts become bolder, and they gain a sense of who they are in relationship to their environment.
Parents are an essential part of their child’s environment. Children see themselves like a branch on a tree. The parents are the trunk that provides stability and security. If the child thinks something is wrong with the trunk, he or she will automatically think something is wrong with the branch. Therefore, in order to foster caring, responsible and strong children, adults need to have a positive view of themselves (self-concept) and serve as role models for their children.
Self-awareness is another key part of a child’s development. Self-awareness is how much we know about ourselves, our beliefs about who we are, and what we think our capabilities are. As a child’s sense of self develops, so does the child’s ability to blossom in school and with peers.
This is why the parent’s ability to provide wings is so important. In order to succeed, children need to gain confidence in their abilities and gain a sense that they can do things on their own. The precious time between birth and maturity gives parents many opportunities to balance roots and wings.
If a family is to remain “strong,” members need adequate time to nurture and support a healthy self-concept (or image) in each other. Parents can lead the way in providing experiences that enhance their children’s view of themselves. This module focuses on ways parents can build self-esteem in their children and themselves in order to improve the quality of their lives and strengthen family relationships.
Brief program descriptionBy applying the principles in this module, participants will give their children “protective factors.” Protective factors are qualities that safeguard children against becoming involved in activities that can hurt them. Children who have protective factors, sometimes referred to as “resilient children,” tend not to experience underage drinking, teenage pregnancies, drug abuse, and school failure.
A sense of self-worth is critical for developing resiliency, adaptability and an “I can do it!” attitude that helps us learn, grow, and cope with life’s frustrations and inevitable problems. Strong parenting provides “roots” and “wings.” Children need to feel safe, secure, loved, and part of a family. This foundation provides roots from which the child can develop wings to explore the world. The child’s first adventures experiencing the world are safe, small steps. As children get older, their attempts become bolder, and they gain a sense of who they are in relationship to their environment.
Parents are an essential part of their child’s environment. Children see themselves like a branch on a tree. The parents are the trunk that provides stability and security. If the child thinks something is wrong with the trunk, he or she will automatically think something is wrong with the branch. Therefore, in order to foster caring, responsible and strong children, adults need to have a positive view of themselves (self-concept) and serve as role models for their children.
Self-awareness is another key part of a child’s development. Self-awareness is how much we know about ourselves, our beliefs about who we are, and what we think our capabilities are. As a child’s sense of self develops, so does the child’s ability to blossom in school and with peers.
This is why the parent’s ability to provide wings is so important. In order to succeed, children need to gain confidence in their abilities and gain a sense that they can do things on their own. The precious time between birth and maturity gives parents many opportunities to balance roots and wings.
If a family is to remain “strong,” members need adequate time to nurture and support a healthy self-concept (or image) in each other. Parents can lead the way in providing experiences that enhance their children’s view of themselves. This module focuses on ways parents can build self-esteem in their children and themselves in order to improve the quality of their lives and strengthen family relationships.
Fostering healthy self-esteem and a positive self-concept among family members can make a real difference in how members view themselves and their ability to succeed in life. Research shows that parents who guide the development of resiliency factors in their children can help them learn to adapt and protect them from such destructive behaviors as drug abuse, underage drinking, and teen pregnancy.
This module examines factors that encourage development of resilience in children and strategies for enhancing their self-esteem and self-awareness. Hands-on, interactive activities help parents develop an awareness of their child’s need for a positive self-concept and allow exploration of methods for improving their child’s self-esteem and self-awareness. Participants will set personal goals for themselves at the conclusion of the session.
Research findingsThis module examines factors that encourage development of resilience in children and strategies for enhancing their self-esteem and self-awareness. Hands-on, interactive activities help parents develop an awareness of their child’s need for a positive self-concept and allow exploration of methods for improving their child’s self-esteem and self-awareness. Participants will set personal goals for themselves at the conclusion of the session.
Many researchers have been able to identify “risk factors” that hinder healthy self-esteem development in children. Risk factors are things within the child, family, or community that put children in danger of experiencing things that hurt them or damage their ability to feel good about themselves and their abilities. Knowing the risk factors can help parents protect their children.
Competencies that make children less vulnerable to those risk factors are equally important for parents to know. Resilience, “the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or sustained life stress” (Werner, 1984, p. 68), has enabled children to succeed in school, avoid drug abuse, and develop a healthy self-concept. Werner notes resilient children can adapt more easily to change and have the following characteristics:
Social Competence - responsiveness, flexibility, empathy and caring, communication skills, a sense of humor (including being able to laugh at themselves), and any other behavior that increases their ability to get along with others. This helps the child establish and maintain positive relationships within and outside the family. For example, by having skills that make him likable, your son will learn that he is a likable person.
Problem Solving Skills - abstract thinking, reflectivity, flexibility, and the ability to try alternative solutions in both cognitive and social problem situations. Children who are able to solve everyday puzzles by trying something new or different generally do better in school. These skills can be seen in young children and older children who avoid drug use. Children who are strong in this skill keep their parents on their toes because “where there’s a will there’s a way.” They like to question and try different ways to do things.
Autonomy - self-awareness, sense of identity, ability to act independently, and ability to exert control over the external environment. If you have ever heard a 3-year-old say, “I can do it myself!” you have experienced a child experimenting with autonomy. This sense of knowing they can make it on their own and knowing what type of person they are will help them be successful in life.
For children in dysfunctional environments, such as families with alcoholism, drug abuse, or mental illness, autonomy also means the ability to distance themselves in an adaptive way from the dysfunction in the family. Resilient children in these types of families are able to adapt and see themselves as a healthy branch even though something may be wrong with the trunk.
Sense of Purpose - sense of purpose in life, “healthy expectancies, goal directedness, success orientation, achievement, motivation, educational aspiration, persistence, hopefulness, hardiness, belief in a bright future, a sense of anticipation, a sense of a compelling future, and a sense of coherence”.
This sense of a goal or target for their future enables children to delay gratification (or put off something that they want today so they can have something better tomorrow), avoid drugs and teen pregnancies in order to ensure a successful and pleasant future. A belief that they are going to do something and be someone in the future is an essential element in self-esteem, identity, and self-awareness.
The good news is that resiliency factors can be taught, modeled, and encouraged by families, schools, and communities. Resiliency in children is nourished if the family environment is caring and supportive, if there is a high parental expectation for a child’s success, and if the child’s participation in family activities is encouraged. School and community environments can foster an atmosphere of adaptablity and resiliency in children:
· when the atmosphere of the school and community is caring and supportive; · when teachers and community members have high expectations for the children’s performance; · when opportunities for children to become involved and participate in a meaningful way are provided; · when children are give responsibilities.Competencies that make children less vulnerable to those risk factors are equally important for parents to know. Resilience, “the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or sustained life stress” (Werner, 1984, p. 68), has enabled children to succeed in school, avoid drug abuse, and develop a healthy self-concept. Werner notes resilient children can adapt more easily to change and have the following characteristics:
Social Competence - responsiveness, flexibility, empathy and caring, communication skills, a sense of humor (including being able to laugh at themselves), and any other behavior that increases their ability to get along with others. This helps the child establish and maintain positive relationships within and outside the family. For example, by having skills that make him likable, your son will learn that he is a likable person.
Problem Solving Skills - abstract thinking, reflectivity, flexibility, and the ability to try alternative solutions in both cognitive and social problem situations. Children who are able to solve everyday puzzles by trying something new or different generally do better in school. These skills can be seen in young children and older children who avoid drug use. Children who are strong in this skill keep their parents on their toes because “where there’s a will there’s a way.” They like to question and try different ways to do things.
Autonomy - self-awareness, sense of identity, ability to act independently, and ability to exert control over the external environment. If you have ever heard a 3-year-old say, “I can do it myself!” you have experienced a child experimenting with autonomy. This sense of knowing they can make it on their own and knowing what type of person they are will help them be successful in life.
For children in dysfunctional environments, such as families with alcoholism, drug abuse, or mental illness, autonomy also means the ability to distance themselves in an adaptive way from the dysfunction in the family. Resilient children in these types of families are able to adapt and see themselves as a healthy branch even though something may be wrong with the trunk.
Sense of Purpose - sense of purpose in life, “healthy expectancies, goal directedness, success orientation, achievement, motivation, educational aspiration, persistence, hopefulness, hardiness, belief in a bright future, a sense of anticipation, a sense of a compelling future, and a sense of coherence”.
This sense of a goal or target for their future enables children to delay gratification (or put off something that they want today so they can have something better tomorrow), avoid drugs and teen pregnancies in order to ensure a successful and pleasant future. A belief that they are going to do something and be someone in the future is an essential element in self-esteem, identity, and self-awareness.
The good news is that resiliency factors can be taught, modeled, and encouraged by families, schools, and communities. Resiliency in children is nourished if the family environment is caring and supportive, if there is a high parental expectation for a child’s success, and if the child’s participation in family activities is encouraged. School and community environments can foster an atmosphere of adaptablity and resiliency in children:
Building resiliency in children and adults is a healthy human developmental process. Families with resilient members are strong families because they weather life’s difficulties and take care of each other’s emotional needs.
Goals and objectives* To understand causes of low self-esteem and lack of self-awareness;
* To identify and discuss ways to create resilient family members with healthy self images;
* To develop goals for achieving healthy self-esteem and self-awareness in themselves and their children;
* To identify strategies for developing resiliency factors within the family.
Gordon, K.A. (1995). Self-concept and motivational patterns of resilient African American high school students. Journal of Black Psychology, 21, 239-255.
This empirical study assessed 138 African American urban adolescents to examine self-concept and motivational patterns of resilient African American adolescents related to academic competence.
PurposeTo examine self-concept and motivational patterns of resilient African American high school students
Uniqueness of the study
Emphasizing academic competence rather than social competence
Focusing on self-concept and motivational patterns
Procedure
1. Participants:
138 African American urban high school 10th graders
Main analyses are based on 40 students (classified as either resilient or non)
2. Criterion of resilient students
High stress - self report
Low socioeconomic status - Hollingshead Two Factor Index
GPAs of 2.75 or above
3. Measures of dependent variable
Self-concept - High School Assessment of Academic Self-Concept
Assessment of Personal Agency Beliefs
Results
Resilient students:
o Healthier cognitive self-concept on ability, environmental support, control, and importance
o More emphasis on extracurricular goals and material gains
o Minimal difference in social self-concept and motivational patterns
Conclusion
Cognitive self-concept is a protective factor for academic achievements of students under stress and adversity.
Motivational patterns are important compensatory and protective factors influencing interaction and affect of stress on academic achievement.
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